Divorced Dads / 2nd Class Citizens

Boyfriend -vs New Wife

2008-02-21T16:34:00.003-05:00

I have not written in a while. I have been in contact with a great site for divorced parents, or people that are in the process of doing so, or simply have questions. I have promised their editor that I would start writing in both locations, and will start doing so with more passion. The site is called http://www.divorce360.com/ and I highly recommend joining and reading... even if you think you don't have any issues then maybe you can help someone that does.

I will just ramble for a couple of entries, but I do have some new stuff to share....

We all made it through the holidays without a hitch.

As noted eariler, I am remarried, and my kids accept my wife.

Both of my kids dislike my ex's live in boyfriend. Now I know what you are thinking, but this is not me listening to the kids, my ex has told me that the kids don't like her boyfriend.

My kids can talk to my wife about anything, and often speak to her about things before they talk to me about it. They trust her, and respect her input. For the record, my kids are 14 and soon to be 12.

Dilema? Well, my ex refuses to "allow" my wife to be any part of any topics, and for the lack of a better explination she doesn't really want my wife to tell, in her words "them what to do" or "have any say in anything involving the kids".

Now, my take is that I EXPECT her boyfriend to treat my kids as if they were his own. Play wiht them, talk to them, listen to them, and tell them what to do. I am not asking him to replace me, but I would like to know that while I am not standing there to look over my kids someone is who cares about them. According to the kids, he doesn't care for them, and they are returning the favor.

When the kids are with us they understand that my wife has full power to veto anything they are doing, trying to eat, or trying to get away with. Even if I am in the house when this is going on. It has been this way since day one, and I think the kids appreciate that even though the answer isn't always what they want to hear.

I also feel good knowing that my kids have someone to talk to. Even if it is not me. I love them, and they love me, they know I am there for them and so is my wife.

Thoughts?

Questions?

Is anyone out there?

Why is the Dad ruled by the iron fist, but the Mom is self governed?

2007-02-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

Here is the situation:

My Ex-wife and I went back to court last September because she complained that the kids health insurance wasn't sufficient, and she needed more money.

Direct result was, my child support went up, which it should have, I was making more money than I did when I was originally divorced, and the court ruled that since my ex decided to move to Georgia, she was solely responsible for paying for their flights to and from my scheduled visitation (about 10 trips a year)... and the court also said that because of the amount of child support I am now paying my ex can not submit extra expenditures that I had previously been paying for, like basketball sign up, cloths, field trips, musical instruments, and half of all air fair...

So now when I ask my ex to produce the new insurance for the kids, she simply says she can not afford it, and that they only have emergency medical insurance... THIS IS THE SAME INSURANCE SHE HAD IN PLACE BEFORE WE WENT TO COURT IN SEPTEMBER... and she simply says that she is paying for flights, and can't afford to do both... if I said I couldn't pay the elevated child support, I would be in jail, right? Why do I have to pay a lawyer to make sure that my kids are properly insured in case of sickness?

Any thoughts?

Why even try?

2007-02-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

Since I started my divorce in 2002 proceedings I have often wondered why should I even try to communicate with my ex-wife? I have two kids, now 13 and 10 respectively. I have re-married and am happier than I ever was in my previous marriage. I dated my first wife when I was 15, married her at 22, and divorced her at 32. I am now remarried, heading into my 4 year with my soul mate, and really couldn't be in a better position mentally, and relationship wise.

So why does my ex-wife cut through my skin during even the simplest conversations?

I originally left my marriage for about one year, returned for two years, and finally called it quits early in 2002. Leaving my now ex-wife and two kids was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.

I simply drove south from NH to Cape Cod. I chose a 3 hour drive based on the fact that my soon to be ex-wife couldn't simply drive down the street to harass me like she did when I left the first time. I needed space, I needed to be away from her controlling ways. If I hadn't left, I most likely would be dead by now, not by suicide, but by lack of hear, soul, and self confidence.

Sound awful to hear so many I's in one paragraph when children are involved, but my children acknowledged immediately that I am a happier person since I left, and a better Dad.

I will skip into my history throughout this blog, and the back to the topic...

Why even try...

I tried to mediate my divorce... all this did was lead to more and more opportunities for my ex to come at me with history lessons, how bad a person I am, and how the kids need me around the house, when the reality was that she didn't like doing all the tasks that I had to do, and could not handle that the kids liked their dad no matter what, or where he lived.

After it was clear that mediation was not an option my lawyer recommended a guardian at litem "sp"... a child advocate/lawyer. My ex and I had to pay half of her fees. The first day I met this child advocate she told me that she would never drive to Cape to see where the kids would be living due to the fact that the drive was so far... regardless it was her job to do so, but she refused. I was also only supposed to call her directly if it was an emergency. I later found out that she spoke to my ex-wife almost daily, and in fact visited with the kids and their mother, but never me... How is this even remotely a bias stance by the advocate???

I drafted paperwork with my lawyer outlining that my ex-wife could have 100% of the house since she stated that it was in the best interest of the kids to stay where they were comfortable... I was a fool to think that this was the right thing to do... hence, why even try??? Within 6 months my ex and kids moved to the south part of NH with her new boyfriend. With a steady boyfriend around my history lessons from my ex dramatically dropped, and if the new guy could make her happy, than it is a win for all involved.

Now things didn't work out in the south of NH and she moved back in with her parents, all the while our old house was being rented out... putting money in her pocket, and collecting from me. Then they moved to VT, and eventually back in the original house that I owned with my ex-wife...

She then put the house on the market... and announced that she was moving to Georgia and taking the kids with her...

Now mind you, I would drive to 3-4 hours up to NH and back to the Cape every other Friday for 2 1/2 years, and then return the kids on Sunday's. I did this as part of my visitation schedule. I never called to cancel or skip out on the kids not even once. Did I plan a vacation and re-work the schedule? Of course, but I can say with confidence that my visitation was extremely important to me, and it was in the divorce decree that I do all the driving, and pay for the gas, both directions...

so why even try... my ex-wife was about to make a huge profit on the sale of a house that I thought I was being nice enough to let her HAVE without buying me out for the kids sake, then she throws the move to GA into my face, and asks that I not fight her move to GA. I spoke to the kids about the move, and the in fact said that they did not want me to fight the move, because their mother said that if they didn't like it in GA then they could move in with me on the Cape...

I am sure you can see what happens next, but that will be posted later...

I appreciate you reading, thoughts and stories are most welcome... if you are a divorced dad, and feel like you do everything you are asked, but still get the shaft... this will be the spot to bookmark for future reads....

Divorced Dads / 2nd Class Citizens

2007-02-13T08:49:00.000-05:00

After searching and searching the Internet for a place to see if other divorced dads had a place to go to share stories of their upcoming divorce, ongoing divorce, or finally divorced, but still dealing with an ex-wife that just won't let up.

In the up coming days I will start posting some of my divorce story, and what I am currently dealing with. If there are people out there that want to add there own story I would love you read it, and of course comments will always be welcome. Even by an ex-wife with a different point of view than I.

My view is not always right, nor wrong. I simply have felt that I have been stereo typed and pigeon holed by the state. The wife is always right, and the man is always in the wrong. I would love to hear otherwise...

more later